


Day 017

by Josh_the_Bard



Series: A Year in Kirkwall [17]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Depression, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22292059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Josh_the_Bard/pseuds/Josh_the_Bard
Series: A Year in Kirkwall [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589257
Kudos: 5





	Day 017

Many would describe the Fade as an alien place. The laws that governed the real world didn’t apply. But Hawke came to the fade every night in his dreams and it was more familiar to him than the streets of Kirkwall, at least it used to be.

He found himself in a frozen wasteland, surrounded by corpses frozen in poses of terror and agony. Some he recognized, his mother, holding her severed head in her hands; Bethany, every bone in her body shattered by an ogre; and Carver, stabbed in the heart with Hawke’s own dagger. Many were strangers or faces he could place but not find names for. All were dead because of his failure. 

A hooded figure stood in a ring of bodies in the distance, waiting, as it had every night since the Qunari attack.

“You will continue to fail them,” it whispered. The soft voice carried an impossible distance on the icy winds. “More will die because you are weak. You are stupid. You are slow. Your friends trust you and you will betray them.”

“Begone demon,” Hawke called back. He tried to sound confident and authoritative but he didn’t even manage to convince himself. He instead tried to closed his eyes against the horrors around him but in the world of the dream, closing his eyes merely covered everything in a red film.

“Your blind trust in Isabella cost hundreds of lives. It cost you any chance for peace and understanding with the Qunari. It cost the elves most of all. Merrill lives in constant danger because of your failings.” the demon flew closer to Hawke, robes billowing in the wind. Hawke went to pull his cloak tighter around himself but found himself naked. Nothing between him and the elements.

“I can help,” the demon whispered. “Your existence is agony I can feel it. You have struggled long enough.” It took off its robes. Underneath the demon had the form of Hawke’s mother. “Take this, it will protect you from the cold. You can rest my brave child. You have failed so much. It’s alright to stop trying and just rest.”

Hawke wondered at that. Maybe everyone would be better off without him. Every problem he solved created two more. Maybe the world would be better without him.

“If she takes your body, Bodahn and Sandal will die,” came a soothing voice from behind him. “You need to fight for their sakes.”

Hawke didn’t need to turn to see who had spoken. From almost the day he had come into his magic, he had attracted a spirit of compassion. His father had taught him how to differentiate between demons and helpful spirits and encouraged Hawke to bond with the creature. Since that day, Compassion had been a constant companion and advisor. The healing abilities that had kept him and his friends alive all these years were born of Compassion.

“I told you to be gone!” Hawke shouted, conjuring a ball of fire and burning the offered robe. He felt a warmth envelope him. The warmth came not from the robe or the fire but from inside him, spreading outwards from his canter. He knew the warmth came from compassion and took strength from that.

The demon screeched and fired a beam of ice at Hawke. He responded with a jet of fire. The elements met in the middle and held there. Despair was pit against Hawke’s will in a battle the fade made literal.

“You are nothing!” Despair screeched. “Everyone you love will die and it will be your fault!”

“You have the power to help,” said Compassion. “If you give up now, more will die. Remember the faces of those you saved.”

Around him some of the corpses came to life. No longer did they bear the faces of the dead, but the living. Merrill and Varric were there, as were countless others Hawke had seen in his travels around Kirkwall. Faces of those who would have been killed or enslaved if the Qunari had succeeded. Faces of mages he had freed from the circle. Faces of those he had saves from bloodmages and demon worshipers.

Hawks fire grew in strength and overwhelmed Dispare. The demon cried out one last time before being consumed by the flames.

Hawk woke with the sunrise, more exhausted then when he went to sleep. He knew he would not have the energy to do anything today but rest. One day, he would not have enough strength to fight off the demons drawn by his depression and then all of Kirkwall would suffer. He remembered the Qunari saarebas who had set fire to himself rather than live without his handler. The Qunari valued the lives of others over their own. He held out a hand, wreathing it in fire. It would be a simple thing to end it all. To protect everyone from the consequences of his falling.

But no. Not today. Varric had been by every day, trying to cheer him up. Hawke had rebuffed him half the time but Varric refused to give up on him. What would he think to find Hawke dead by his own magic? The demon was dead and it would be a few days before others arrived to replace it. He would not fall to possession for a few days more at least.


End file.
